What I wish I would have known about twins – Part 1
- 02.11.10
- Hang in there, Twins, NICU, prematurity
- 8 Comments
I have a few new followers (thank you to all of my followers, you are great!) one of which is an expectant father of twins. His wife is currently 24 weeks pregnant. Oy, I remember that part all too well.
Anyway, I was thinking about them last night and thought I should really post a few things that I have learned since having twins. Perhaps I can help prepare them or anyone else who might also be expecting multiples, or maybe the things I have experienced are unique to me and my situation. In any case, here is one of the things I have learned:
1. Bonding
This was the biggest concern for me (outside of health). Bonding has always been super important to me and one of the things I worried the most about. My other two kids were born at term and were healthy and came home with me. I would hold them all of the time and I nursed both of them.
After I had my second daughter, I would sometimes just sit there and cry and my husband would ask me if I wanted him to get me the baby. I would shake my head yes and cry some more. Then he would bring her in and lay her on me and I would feel better having her close.
We used to joke that after I had the twins he would be constantly draping me with babies so I would feel better. I wish that was how it had been for me.
My boys were in the NICU for 3 weeks. Because I had two other children (one that was only 15 months old and seriously unsettled by how much I had already been gone) I was only able to get to the NICU once a day for two hours. That meant one hour for each of the boys. Depending on how they were doing, depended on if I even got to hold them that entire time.
Sometimes I would go in and they had been having a hard day so all I could do was look at them and touch them through their isolettes. It is interesting that what they were in was called isolettes because that is exactly how it made me feel. Isolated.
I loved my boys from the second I knew they were both growing inside of me but the love I felt after they were born was not to the same intensity as it had been with my girls. I think it was a combination of the lack of time with them, the stress of the NICU, and the stress of two newborns.
When they came home I was relieved to be able to spend 24 hours a day with them, but then I realized I would be spending 24 hours a day with them. Suddenly the NICU nurse’s advice to sleep while I could made a whole lot more sense.
I won’t sugar coat the first few months. It was rough. I was exhausted. My husband was exhausted. We fought. I cried. I loved the boys and would do anything for them, but I still felt something was missing. It deeply troubled me and so I began doing research and continued to just hold them and talk to them as much as possible.
I read somewhere that it is harder for twin moms to bond with their babies until they can tell a difference between them. (I can’t remember where I read this) But it rang true for me. For a long time, I mean a LONG time, they were just two little lumps of baby that cried at everything and didn’t smile or laugh (that is the prematurity, another rough thing I will talk about another time).
Finally though, I was able to start to see differences in their personalities. Somewhere around 4 1/2 months they started interacting more and sleeping better and I found my love for them starting to grow exponentially as I began to recover from the fog of exhaustion.
I now feel the same way about them as I did my other kids. I pick one up and just hold him and kiss him and feel that incredible feeling that I don’t think can be described, just felt, and then I put that one down and pick the other one up and do it all over again.
Another bonus to twins is, because of their different personalities, I have one that likes to cuddle and one that likes to play. I play and cuddle with both of them, but when I really want to play or have a really good cuddle, I have a baby for each.
Plus it is amazing to feel that overwhelming love for your baby and then to see the other one and feel it times two. I will still go through times where I look at both of them and can’t believe I have two. It is an experience like none other I have ever had!
From what I have read and heard, it is normal to have it take longer to bond with your twins. Don’t be discouraged or think you won’t love them and it won’t be wonderful. It is, it is just a little harder. Be patient, hang in there, and before you know it you will be surprised by just how much you love them!
I just realized that twins is a subject I can be really long winded about, so I will post my thoughts about it in installments, maybe once a week. Until next time…
Happy Twining!
8 Responses to “What I wish I would have known about twins – Part 1”
I always thought I would love to have twins. In fact, I secretly hope that if I ever decide to have another it might be twins
What an experience for you. As always, I loved this post. Not only will it be helpful for others in your situation, but it was just sweet as well. I love their little faces.
Hey, I think I’m the father-to-be referenced above! How neat!
Thank you for the perspective and your experience. As my wife is a rather short woman (5 feet even) with what the doctors not-so-gently call “a very short torso,” we’re rather concerned about (and even expect) these guys to be born a little early. We’re both paranoid, spastic people who worry far too much for our own good; hopefully we’ll not have to endure the NICU experience as I wager neither of us will weather the stress of that storm as well as you and your husband did. Still, hearing about the trial, travails, and triumphs of other twin parents will hopefully help us steel our resolves.
A couple (perhaps personal) question: 1) Do you think you would have felt the same way if the twins had been your first? 2) Did your husband express similar feelings?
I’m new to the blogging scene and I hope to meet some MoMs and DoMs to learn from and share in the joys (and struggles) of parenting multiples. Again, thank you for sharing, and thanks for becoming one of my followers!
@ Kevin – You are in fact the father to be I was referencing. I am looking forward to following your blog. It is fun to hear things from the father’s perspective!
In answer to your questions.
1. Hmmm…I honestly don’t know. I would have had nothing to compare it to so I wouldn’t have known the difference. That aside, I believe my feelings would still have been mostly the same. You are at an advantage having them be your first because you will have more time to spend with them if they do end up in the NICU and if not, at home. You may find that your bonding is much quicker and easier than it was for me. The stress and fatigue definitely play a role and you will be in the first time parent mode which is a little scary. It is an adjustment either way. Also, my boys had some complications that were scary so I think some of it was the fear that I would lose them and I was afraid. I hope it is easier for you, but if not, just know you aren’t alone in it.
2. My husband has had a really hard time this time around. He wasn’t really involved too much with our first daughter (my oldest is from a previous marriage). I pretty much took care of her by myself for the most part. Once she was an older baby (6 months or so) he found he could play with her more and knew more what to do with her. She has had him wrapped around her finger since then. The boys were much harder for him. Some of it may be the shock of taking care of newborns. He has gotten up with me to feed them every night since they were born. I would definitely recommend this in some form because the mom needs sleep in order to maintain sanity and honestly to help avoid depression, just as the dad needs sleep to function at work. If you both get up, you get to bed in half the time. I’m not sure I can really explain more than that. I will ask him if he would post a response to you himself. He has even thought about starting a support group for Dad’s of Multiples. I think he should. Standby for further input from him.
I can sympathize with your wife. I am 5’4” so the rib pain started a little bit later for me, but it was really really hard. In the end they gave me loritab for the pain and it didn’t even take the edge off (granted I was carrying tons of extra fluid due to TTTS). Tell her to take it easy. I was so so lucky to make it to 34 weeks with only 2 weeks of full bedrest because I had two little ones to run after. Be patient with her, she really feels as bad as she says she does!
I am so excited for you. Twin boys are so wonderful, it is hard, but so fun!
Well, how is that for lots of information. Please feel free to ask me anything, anytime.
@ Arizona Mamma – That would be so cool if you had twins! I will keep my fingers crossed for the possibility! Heck, I have five baby swings so you could let me know if you needed one
You are wonder woman! Seriously! I can only imagine. It’s hard enough with just one. They are adorable!
Girl, I could have written this. Only difference is, my twins weren’t preemies and only 1 of them was in the NICU and even then it was only 10 days… but all the bonding stuff and the fog of exhaustion and whatnot… I know. And my girls are nearly 9 months now and I can recall honestly the moment, like you said, around 4/ 4.5 months when things started to get tons better… for me, it was introducing solids because it gave me a break from the demands of nursing and it helped with the reflux a little bit. And every single day I fall further in love with those littles to the point where it seems almost like I’ve reached the maximum amount my heart can love and the next day I love some more.
This is great! I can’t wait to read more. I have a 4, 3, 1 year old and am 21 weeks pregnant with twin boys! I went for my “routine” ultrasound at 19 weeks and was stunned when we were told it was twins. I had no clue!
@ Ashley Wowee! I thought it was exciting for me. I only had a 4 and a 1 year old. It is quite a ride. I will have to post another one of these this week. Good luck to you!
Leave a Reply